Through better or worse...

I usually do not write about "negative" things on my blog, but, honestly, that is because every time I start to feel negative about something, I then think about all of the wonderful things in my life and how very blessed I am.  This has been a rough week--a rough year, really, for Frank.  He lost his job on Monday.  I know that he has experienced a whirlwind of emotions this week, from shock, to anger, to regret, to sadness, to worry, to hope.  He was working in a job that was not right for him, that did not challenge him, that did not make him happy.  I see this as a wonderful opportunity for him to find something better.  I see this as a chance for Frank to use the MBA he earned and to find a job he is passionate about.  We so lucky that I have a wonderful job that more than supports our family, and Frank has the luxury of being able to take his time to find something that is truly a good fit for him and our family.  For that, I feel so blessed.

However, this recent development has also exacerbated the pressure I feel being the primary breadwinner in our family.  I am now fully responsible for paying our bills, keeping us in our house, and getting things ready for Baby Lily.  I am struggling with trying not to feel angry about this responsibility.  True, I have always been the main income earner in our house, and I have always felt a sense of pressure and responsibility because of this, but now, the pressure feels greater, and I resent that.  I feel like I should get to have control of all of our money, and all of our decisions about money, because I am the one who is earning it.  I have so many mixed feelings about this situation, and I am really struggling to remain supportive, hopeful, and sensitive to Frank. 

All of this is coming, ironically, as I am also looking for a new job.  I actually love my job, my firm, and my work, and I love the people I work with.  However, I feel like I am being treated extremely unfairly with my compensation, and I am not okay with that.  My boss is working on the situation and I am hopeful that we will be able to work something out that allows me to stay and be treated fairly, but at the same time, I am very angry about the situation, and part of me just wants to walk away and find somewhere else that will compensate me fairly.  I feel silly complaining, because I already make a lot of money, but when you are working just as much (and receiving extremely positive performance evaluations) as your peers, but making a LOT less money...that is not fair, no matter what your income bracket is. 

Anyway, although my job is not perfect, I am very thankful and so happy to have it right now as our family faces this new challenge.  I pray that Frank finds a wonderful new opportunity that fulfills him and gives him the opportunity to shine that he deserves.  I pray that I can remain supportive and hopeful as he embarks on his job search.  And I pray that our family stays strong and loving as we prepare to welcome our newest member in June.  I am very proud of my hard-working husband, and I know that he will do everything he can for himself and his family.